It’s incredible how life can change in a second. One moment you can be completely happy and then something happens that marks our lives forever.
Sometimes it will be a positive event, other times it will be something that breaks your heart.
That heart-break happened to me about 7 1/2 months ago when I lost my baby to a miscarriage.
My life was filled with hope and plans for the future for our new little family. I was in complete amazement at the miracle that was happening inside of me after struggling with infertility. Then one night all the excitement ended. My hopes and dreams were over in an instant. Our baby left us.
Difficult months followed. Months filled with tears, sadness, loss of hope, fear, confusion, trouble with my faith, and a strong feeling of numbness. Depression creeped up on me as my mind was filled with negative thoughts about my life being worthless. Seeing other people was not in my plans. No one or anything was interesting. My negative attitude brought slight strife to my relationship. My poor hub didn’t know what to do anymore to make me smile again.
Then slowly the pain started to ease. Life started having color once again. My gray days now had a bit of sunlight shining through. Smiling began to get easier. Enjoying life and people became possible. My hope and faith in God got strong again as I slowly began to accept God had different plans for us.
What happened in the last 7 1/2 months that were better plans than my baby? Nothing actually. At least not something I have seen or felt more important. But who am I to question God? I just know that He used these last months for His purpose whether I see it yet or not. Everything will always be at His perfect timing and I had to accept that there was a reason behind what happened and maybe someday I’ll know, time will tell.
In fact, these last months have felt very slow for me. I feared getting to mid December, the due date we were supposed to have our baby. A time that I had imagined I would have the best Christmas present ever, a child. A time I didn’t want coming because I’d be wondering how our baby would have looked, had the baby been born these days.
But you know what has happened? When I take time to reflect, I realize I’ve grown in faith in a sense that I completely believe God will give us a child, because I now know pregnancy is possible. Therefore, I trust in God’s plans even more. I’ve also had to learn to be at peace with myself and with everything going on around me. Still, I believe only plans of growth and wisdom will derive from the situations and experiences I am in. They will keep happening and preparing me.
I’ve also had this time to keep learning what type of parent I want to be based on positive and negative examples I’ve seen. Without judgement, we are learning what we want to carry out with our children. Hopefully we follow through when time comes.
In all this, my husband and I have endured pain and broken dreams. This pain has led us to forming a stronger bond. A bond that unites us to fight harder for our love, our dreams, hopes, and marriage.
I can say I am beyond thankful for all of it. As a couple we’ve always tried to improve and we’ve come a long way from how we started. In fact our lives have changed most since we started our fertility journey.
It’s actually been quite beautiful. Though it was hard at first, it’s now a relationship based on support towards each other, along with lots of love. And I can say I am the one mostly blessed because my husband takes care of my needs. Even though he doesn’t say much, his amount of love gives me hope that we will have our own little blessing someday. He supports my ideas and pushes me to do my best.
Though my hopes were to get pregnant again and it hasn’t happened, I understand there’s a reason. Do I know it? No. Maybe someday I will understand the reasoning behind it, maybe I won’t. Again, this is a time I feel God may be preparing me for something or using this time to teach me something.
As these last months approached, the greatest transformation has been my view. I went through a depression that had me losing hope and to turn around and start living again has been a learning experience.
I learned how deep in negativity us humans can get. It helped me be more empathetic to other people’s hard times and trials. I could never understand how people could be so depressed all the time, but now I learned how hard it is to get out. Because of my experience, I realized I want to give people hope by speaking about it through blogging and one-on-one if anyone ever approaches me.
Am I completely healed? Truthfully, I’m not. And I don’t think I’ll ever be. I will always miss my baby. But I do know it gets easier. My wound can be something I use to help others who go through similar experiences.
Life surprises us with pain beyond what we think we can’t handle, but we can also surprise life by how we react. We can bounce back from our pain with an even greater joy than before. Sometimes we think we will always feel this way. That this might be the most horrible time in our lives, but it’s not. There really are better days ahead when we choose to smile and to live in peace. We need to have gratitude in everything so we can have joy again . Is it easy? Heck no! It’s not! It’s mighty difficult. But we can smile again. And when we find we can’t make it, we need to reach out to someone. People really do care for us despite what we think. Try it if you’re going through a similar situation.
What’s interesting this week is that I’m throwing a baby shower for my sister-in-law on the week of my due date. I had to take advantage that I’d be in town visiting Tucson instead of making another trip. Let me tell you, I don’t like baby showers. Not because it makes me feel sad, but because of the dreaded question. When are you going to have kids?
This time it’s different. I think God was up to something. My sister-in-law has struggled with infertility for years and was definitely not expecting for this miracle to happen. In fact she thought she would never have kids so she stopped trying.
So what does this say to me as I plan for her baby shower? I can basically hear a voice from the sky yelling at me “miracles exist.” Her baby shower gives me hope. Hope that it will happen for me too. That I need to stop focusing on my age or when it will happen. It also brings me happiness for her because I understand the joy behind something so wanted.
Will I be sad that day? Perhaps. In fact I wrote this post because as I sat in the dark not paying attention to the movie in the background, I stared at the Christmas tree that lit up my living room. Sadness came to me as I remembered that these days were when I was supposed to receive my present. A few tears filled my eyes but then I thought back to the last time I cried. It has been a while now, a few months. This moment confirmed to me that I am healing and that the loss is getting easier on me. It also showed me everything I just wrote in this post on how much I’ve grown from sadness to seeing light again and how much my relationship has grown.
So, as my sister-in-law’s baby shower approaches along with my due date, I prepare myself emotionally by looking at the positives in my life. I’ll probably be a little sad this week. Maybe I’ll tear up a bit wishing for my gift. But I will also see hope through the miracle that God shows me He does in others.
No, my due date never came with my beautiful child. But my heartbreak brought learning moments. It brought an enormous amount of hope, peace, and faith. It strengthened my marriage and it helped me appreciate the moment I’m in, even if it’s hard to do at times. Surely, I probably still have a lot to learn from this experience as time passes. Now, I just keep learning to sit back, relax, and trust God.