I never realized how much excitement and fear you can feel at the same time until finding out I was pregnant. My husband and I had officially been trying for three years, but never took any form of birth control since our second year of marriage. So after seven years, imagine the surprise we felt! Especially during this time when my husband was working in California and we only saw each other every two weeks, making chances of pregnancy slim. Being diagnosed with PCOS, chances of pregnancy are not impossible but also made it hard. Knowing I was pregnant was something we couldn’t believe because we had beat the odds!
The pregnancy didn’t last very long. I miscarried a week after I found out, but it wasn’t confirmed until two weeks later. Because of some confusions, I could have been anywhere from 5-9 weeks along before the miscarriage. This was a short pregnancy that was called a “chemical pregnancy.” To me, it was more than that. It was an angel that God had placed inside me. It was a baby that brought excitement to our lives right away. We had made plans, thought of baby names, talked to the baby, and imagined what he or she must have looked like. This baby was a blessing we were ready to meet and nurture.
The moment I found out, I was frozen in disbelief. Anxiety filled me and for the first time I cried of happiness. I recorded a video for my baby about how excited I was. I wanted to document every moment and show him or her in the future. That day, I took five pregnancy tests total because I couldn’t believe it!
At night, I surprised my husband by wrapping four of the pregnancy tests in tissue paper and put them in a gift bag. I set the camera on record and handed him the bag. When he opened it, he grinned from ear to ear but stood still in disbelief asking if it was real. He didn’t believe me because he wasn’t expecting this type of news. We hugged and then recorded a video together for the baby telling about our excitement.
In fact, were so excited that we couldn’t keep it a secret. We decided to tell family and very close friends only. We bought baby bottles and put them in gift bags and gave it to each person separately and recorded them also for the video we would make. Their reactions were amazing! Almost every one of them cried. This baby was going to be so loved. I couldn’t wait to put all the videos together and make it my pregnancy announcement on Facebook once I hit the safe zone.
During the two weeks of my knowing I was pregnant, I slightly bled. This led to many doctor appointment and confusion. I was told I had miscarried, then I was told the baby was fine. The doctor had no view of the baby. Nurses wouldn’t return my phone calls nor took care of me the way I would have wanted. Many things were not explained to me. I did two sudden drives down to Mexico to get faster answers with doctors. HCG levels were checked about five times in these two weeks because they weren’t sure I was miscarrying or how far along I was. It was all a horrible experience! I spent two weeks stressed out and filled with anxiety that also didn’t help in the whole process.
The day I miscarried was Friday night. I found blood clots and knew it was over. That night I felt numb and had absolutely no reaction. My faith had overpowered my emotions and I stayed calm because in my mind I was choosing to believe the baby was still there.
I had a trip to New York with my girl friends that week and I had though about cancelling but didn’t. The whole week I was there was an emotional roller coaster. One moment I believed my baby was still there, another I had a deep feeling that I was hanging on to false hope. I spent the entire trip trying to get in touch with my doctor’s office who did not return my phone calls. I even went and got another blood test during my trip. It was hard! It was emotional and at the same time I still felt numb as to my emotions.
An Image of My Baby
The day I flew back to Tucson from my trip in New York, I closed my eyes briefly and rested my head against the front seat on the airplane. I saw an instant image of a baby girl in my arms, and Juan (my husband) was putting lip-gloss on her lips. She reached over and kissed his cheek. She was beautiful! She had fair skin and big cheeks. Her hair was a medium brown and it was up in a pointy pony tail. Her eyes were brown with a touch of hazel like Juan’s. Her lips were small and round. They were fuchsia pink from the lip-gloss Juan applied. She was wearing a white cotton dress with pink sleeves. She must have been about six to eight months. She was a beautiful little angel that I couldn’t wait to meet. I opened my eyes and smiled. I knew it was her! When Juan picked me up at the airport I told him what I saw and that I had a strong belief that we were expecting a girl. That night we started talking to her and thinking up girl names. Juan also had a dream of her that night. This was the most beautiful moment in my short pregnancy. Unfortunately, the day after was when the miscarriage was confirmed.
When I was back from my trip that Monday, the miscarriage was confirmed. I went home and cried myself to sleep. I prayed to God asking He make a miracle by sewing every piece of the baby back together. I was filled with faith that He would do this. But every following appointment my HCG levels were lower confirming my baby was not being put back together. I had to come to acceptance that that was it.
There was a lot of crying and depression involved in the three months that followed. I moved with my husband to California and though he was supportive, the pain was still there. Some days I was good, others I wasn’t. This was my time of grieving since I never took a day off work after the miscarriage. And boy was I grieving! I couldn’t get out of the depression I was in. Or more like, I didn’t want to. I wanted to cry for my baby and miss her because moving on would be like forgetting about her. We decided I would take a year off of teaching to lower stress and see if I could get pregnant. My story about PCOS explains some of the reasoning behind this choice and the depression I went through.
Husbands Hurt Too; but differently
When the miscarriage occurred, I only saw my husband show his emotional side twice. He NEVER cries, but the day he saw the blood clots his dream of having a baby shattered and he cried. He tried to hide it from me, but I noticed. A week later I sent him a picture of Jesus holding a baby and a poem of a baby telling his parents to be sad because he was in God’s hands. He hung up that day but later admitted to have cried. I didn’t understand why he would hide his emotions from me or talk to me about what he felt. But what I have learned is that men prefer to be the strong one. It creates balance for us. Imagine both of us would have fallen into depression and cried every single night. We would be a wreck and our marriage would have suffered. God gave him the strength that I needed him to have so I could rely on someone who could tell me everything would be okay. That is the beauty behind men having stable emotions. There were times I wanted him to hug me and cry every single time with me, but I now understand why this wouldn’t have been good. Though he doesn’t show it much, because of those two times I saw him cry I know he also wishes things would have been different. I know that if he could, he would have fixed everything so we wouldn’t have gone through the pain. I know that he is strong and has faith that we will have babies one day.
I write this post because there are many women who have gone through miscarriage and understand the amount of pain that is felt when you lose your child, no matter how many weeks they were. These women all had an expectation of seeing their little one’s face. This post is for woman who have gone through a miscarriage.
I know many of us ask God why this happened to us. But we must understand that God did not allow it to punish us. He doesn’t punish those who belong to him. A miscarriage could occur from abnormal chromosomes, hormonal abnormalities (like mine), illness, disease, malformations of the uterine or other reasons which derive from the sin that entered this world at the beginning. Other miscarriages just happen, and we never know why. We have to know that God has compassion over those who suffer and he understands our pain. He holds our hand when we go through trials. He is always with us and never leaves us alone. He gives us the strength and peace that we need. He also fills us with hope that we will one day see our child again and that those struggling with infertility will one day have a child.
We can use the trials he allows to bring Him glory. Our trials can be used to help others who need it. During this time we will be molded into the person we need to be. A woman with faith so strong that it can’t be broken. Look at how I beat the odds of pregnancy! That is the God I trust. One who can make something happen despite the impossibilities. Though I didn’t have my baby, I know there is perfect reasoning behind it and I trust His decision.
We need to trust God and allow him to have control. Only He knows the perfect timing for us to become mothers or why our baby couldn’t come into this world. We need to be thankful for the few memories we had as the baby was inside us and for the lessons learned about faith and trust. As time passes, we need to accept what happened and know that we will be healed. It seems impossible when it first happens and it may take years, but know that it’s okay to be sad sometimes. You will never forget what happened, but your scar will hurt less.
We also have to come to forgiving ourselves and others. Forgiving ourselves because our body couldn’t carry the baby. Forgiving others whose words made you angry. Forgiving those people who tried giving you solutions and blunt answers about your miscarriage. Sometimes they can be insensitive, but it wasn’t their intention to hurt you. Maybe someone you needed wasn’t supportive or absent through the pain. Choose to forgive their words, their lack of being there, and yourself and you will be able to start moving on.
Because you know the pain of this wound, be there for other women who experience a miscarriage. Share how you made it through. Give a listening ear and a loving heart. Sometimes we have to learn openness to help ourselves and to help others. Many cry with someone else, some call friends, or some write (like I started to). Share your story not to complain or to be negative, but to heal and to help.
Also, don’t forget your spouse or partner does feel. They may be hard like stones with their emotions but know that the loss also affects them. Give them space and find the appropriate time to talk to them about it. Don’t get upset when they don’t seem supportive. Instead, find a way to to communicate your needs and let them know you need their support. Most of all, love them a lot.
I don’t know why I went through the miscarriage, but I know that from this, a blog was born. After those months of depression, I stood against the pain of loss and decided to overcome it. That’s when God put a dream in me to help others. How that will go I don’t know yet. I only choose to trust Him and His purpose in every storm I pass. I am still healing from it, but I can now smile again. I was taken out of that dark place I was in.
I can’t wait to meet my little girl in heaven and see her sweet cheeks and pretty lips. I can’t wait to hold her hand and run around with her and make her laugh. I feel excitement to hold her tight in my arms and hear her voice and laugh one day. I can’t wait to tell her how much everyone was expecting her and how excited we all were. If I could take the video I made her and show her, I would. Call me crazy, but this is exactly what I imagine will happen. I might even be surprised if I was wrong and it was a boy!
There were times I asked God why he even allowed me to find out I was pregnant on that random day I chose to take a test instead of letting me think it was a period. But I am glad I did know because maybe I wouldn’t have had the image of her. We wouldn’t have had those happy moments that we spoke to her or wouldn’t have felt the excitement to meet her. We wouldn’t have found out what blind love was. We fell in love with this little girl we had never seen and I wouldn’t take that away. Her presence inside me filled us with a type of joy we had never experienced before and those aren’t memories I would want erased.
There are days I still imagine her and wonder how life would be with her, but I know whatever reason it was, it was for the best. There is a purpose for which I miscarried, whatever it may be. There will be days in the future I will get really sad, but I keep the image I had of her and I thank God so much for it. That one second of her is in my mind forever. The moments of happiness we had brighten my day. Knowing how much she was loved in those few days by our friends and family is encouraging. Now I just wait to give our baby girl a sibling. And with faith in God, I trust that He will heal me completely and that He has great plans for me at His perfect timing. I am glad to be the mom of a beautiful angel.
Because I never got to share my exciting news and I was left with a lot of footage for the video of our pregnancy announcement, it made me sad I never got to share the love and excitement my family and friends expressed for our baby. We recorded these videos mostly for our little girl but she left too soon. I was going to share it on this post but it didn’t feel right, and decided not to. I do hope to share the video someday though, possibly during my next pregnancy. The people who were in it had amazing reactions and they left me beautiful memories that I hope to one day share.
If you went through a miscarriage, never lose hope! I pray you heal from the pain of miscarriage and that you are able to see the beauty in your short time with him or her while they were inside you.
I would love to hear from you. Leave a comment and tell me how you healed or if you are still in the process.