I wish a year after miscarriage I could say I have overcome the sadness that it caused but I’d be lying.
But I’d also be lying if I didn’t admit that miscarriage has taught me many lessons that contribute to the growth and wisdom I have slowly gained this year.
While miscarriage has been the most unfortunate and painful event I have ever experienced, it has also been the stepping stone to increased faith, thankfulness, strength, and other positive gains.
As I reminisce over this past year, I can’t help but remember April 18th of last year bold and clearly. But I also look back and purposely choose to see the beautiful lessons I needed in my life from this experience.
I say purposely because there are still those days when my view is blurry and all I can see is the darkness of that day. Purposely because it’s up to me to stay positive and figure out the purpose of this event in my life. I may not completely see and understand why I had to go through this loss yet, but as time has passed, God has revealed reasons and has given me strength along the way in order for me to gain and maintain my joy.
I still remember….the bad
I remember every emotion, every thought, and even the physical pain I felt in my chest as my heart ached.
I remember the feel, the size, and consistency of the blood clots. I remember my husband’s reaction as he lay face down in bed as he hid his tears from me.
And I remember pretending nothing had happened as I continued packing for my trip to New York with my girl friends. I was trying to hold on to faith that everything was okay but inside I felt fear, rage, and sadness that I didn’t want anyone to see.
Then, the many weeks that followed were the toughest of all.
I remember under-performing as a teacher because I simply didn’t care anymore. Showing up with a happy face to a class full of 2nd graders was the toughest acting I’ve ever performed. I just wanted to go home and cry.
I remember being bothered by everyone close to me who said the wrong thing at the wrong time, anyone who didn’t ask how I was doing, and even at those who asked too much. I had no idea what I wanted from them. I was even mad at God which was completely wrong.
I remember how my husband was highly supportive yet I felt bothered that he wasn’t a mess like I was. In my emotional mind, I felt he didn’t care-when in fact he did.
I remember the sleepless nights (and days) as I cried out to God asking why He allowed such thing to happen. Then the fear and problems that followed were even worse. I was an emotional mess.
Now this is a lot of ugliness that came from miscarriage but……..
I still remember……the good
Like I said earlier, I may not completely understand why it happened but when I put the pain aside, I am able to see the beautiful parts of the short pregnancy I had.
I remember the intense joy my husband and I felt. Not only us, but our families as well.
I remember the excitement we experienced when we told our family, when we made videos for our baby, and when we talked to our little angel.
I remember the quick vision I had of her that showed me how beautiful she was going to be. I remember the short pregnancy brought me the best sleep I’ve ever had as a symptom.
I remember the plans, dreams, and goals we brainstormed for the future.
And though these ‘good’ moments could be seen as sad, they aren’t. They were pure moments of happiness that I will forever cherish and the ones I prefer to remember from my short pregnancy.
A Year After Miscarriage
A year after miscarriage I look back and think about where I am now. Healing has been a long process and at the moment is continuous. When miscarriage happened, I became completely broken. My grief was not short-lived and I went into a depression that took months to get out of.
Now, I’m in a place where I can understand the lessons I have learned throughout this year. Of course, I never wish these lessons had to take place. In a heartbeat I prefer to have a 3 or 4 month old in my arms. But I can finally say I am thankful for what happened and am glad for the life I am currently living.
Lessons I learned:
There are many things in life that I have always wanted to happen NOW. But if there is something miscarriage has taught me is that everything happens in God’s timing. And his timing is perfect. I’ve seen how blessed I have been in other areas of my life for being patient, and waiting for children will have to be no different.
It requires a lot of faith to believe that our dream to have children will come true. This starts from speaking words into life and with a lot of prayer. Miscarriage has allowed me to hold on to hope and believe that the best is yet to come.
Being grateful for the good things in my life has saved me from living resentful. When my mind shifted to being grateful, I was able to slowly crawl out of the depression I went through. Gratitude allows us to highlight the wonderful things that are happening around us while eliminating the bad.
Miscarriage was not an easy burden to carry and sharing my pain with others through blogging helped. To know others have gone through what I went through helped me know I’d be fine. Through my openness, I hope to help others relate and know they are not alone.
Dreams and Flexibility:
When plans change so suddenly, we have to be willing to be flexible. I had to understand that getting pregnant again will happen when I least expect and I have to be ready at any given time. I also realized I couldn’t stop my life and goals while waiting to get pregnant again. For me specifically, miscarriage opened up my mind to new dreams. Dreams that I have decided to carry on despite getting pregnant or not. In the midst of it all, I have to be flexible and ready for any turn my life may give.
I had to learn to forgive myself, doctors, and anyone who I felt resentment against. Having a heart filled with poison was not allowing me to live in joy. After I was able to stop holding myself and others accountable for my pain and when I stopped feeling like a victim, I was able to finally move on.
Miscarriage made me more aware of my health, but it took me many months to finally make a choice to take care of it again. In the beginning, I became and emotional eater eating ice-cream out of the tub as I cried my pain away. Months later I regretted this and so did the scale. There came a turning point where I opened my eyes to the damage I caused myself and remembered how eating healthy took a part in the reason to getting pregnant to begin with. So for 2015, my focus became health. So far it has gone good. Not great, but good. And I will keep improving.
The affliction I went through was deep but I survived. Though I wish nothing like this ever happens again, nor anything worse, I now know that I can handle storms that come my away. We aren’t immune to problems. We will face them all our lives. But I learned that the circumstances I find myself in do not define me. They help me grow and become the person I need to be. Overcoming depression helped me understand how beautiful life is if we allow it to be.
Yes, today I still wonder what life with a child would be like. Yes, I still feel sad on random days. Yes, I am still healing.
But today, I am glad I’m not in the amount of pain I was during those first days, no months, after miscarriage. And even though I still have a strong sting that pokes here and there, I can finally rest in God’s peace. My heart will forever be healing and I will forever remember my child.
The difference today is that I am able to look back and thank God for his purpose whatever it may be. The difference is I am not longer in a depression that was slowly finishing me. I can now smile and be excited to meet my child someday. I can now hold on to hope that we will someday be expecting a child again. A child that will make it into this world in full health. A year after, I am most thankful for an amazing husband who has been understanding every step of the way. Together, hand in hand, we continue this journey in love, in faith, and in joy.
If you are a woman who went through miscarriage looking to find comfort in words, know that the grief you are feeling now will end. The healing will take time, but you will overcome this pain that you are feeling. Your joy will soon come back and you will smile again. Think about those small but beautiful moments of joy and focus on those. Look around you and purposely find something to be thankful for. It won’t seem like there’s a lot, but there is. Find comfort in God, talk to a friend and keep yourself busy. Your joy will soon be back again. Believe it.
Have you ever experienced miscarriage? How long did it take you to heal? What helped you get through the pain?